Parenting is a serious business. You are placed inside a family unit as a parent, child, sibling, guardian or neighbor, teacher, mentor, coach or instructor. This circle of people forms the first contact to us and one of their major assignment is to criticize what we do in life. As a spiritual leader is to the congregation so is these class of people to us. In all scenarios, criticism is inevitable.
What is criticism? It is a judgment of the merits and faults of action, work, behavior of an individual or a group of people. Criticism is not limited to negative expression of an object or action but there could be positive criticism too which the recipient considers complementary.
Family is one place where criticism is practiced almost on a daily basis. This can happen between parents, parents and children or between siblings. Criticism, if not handled well, can be a source of disharmony in the family. Statistics indicate that many children are affected by their parents’ criticism but many parents are not aware of this fact. They argue by saying it’s the truth, it was well meaning or was a call to change. All this is true but the intended recipient feels offended and disrespected.
Parents need to be equipped for them to be effective as trusted entities to the children. Below are various tips which parents, guardians and caregivers can apply for effective parenting.
POSITIVE-IMPROVEMENT-POSITIVE: Package your messages well. It has been discovered that the how we present the messages matters a lot in communication. Criticism labeled as negative many a time needs to be given the necessary appetite to be consumed. The positive-improvement-positive principle helps the recipient to learn the intention of the messenger. Start with the positive word and comment about the subject. This communicates care and concern and the natural response is to trust and cooperate. Then deliver your message and finish with positive and encouraging words to enhance objectivity.
MAKE IT ACTIONABLE: Criticism can be condemning and confusing to the recipients. Many youths feel condemned by criticism from those in authority. This can be minimized if the messages are delivered with a way forward. This removes confusion and gives guidance to the intended goal by giving an option which allows the recipient to think and create more options with the same goal.
BE CALM: Most of the time, a person is likely to criticize when their emotions are high, this is only natural. Parents, guardians, teachers, caregivers and those in authority need to learn to be calm in a highly charged environment. The biggest question to you is: are you interested in change or who are you doing it for? These are tough questions to ask oneself when they are in pain, anger, hurt or wronged. Learn to think about what you are thinking about, take a deep breath, speak to yourself and be calm in a monologue. To parents, many of them are easily manipulated to give or do what they would not have done when sober, and children are good at this. They cry, they appear rude, uninterested, slow, or talk back to arouse your emotions but the antidote is to stay calm.
BE FACTUAL: One sure way of making your criticism ineffective as a parent is when you base it on rumors, exaggerations and assumptions. It is good for parents to criticize from a point of knowledge and understanding. Many young people complain that most of the things they are criticized about are either lies, rumors and assumptions. Parents are therefore advised to work on facts and be sure. One way one can go around this is to use examples and then personalize the experience. This allows the recipient not to be condemned generally but offers an introspection aspect to them.
BEHAVIOR FOCUS: There is high a chance to get personal while criticizing. Care should be taken to be focused on the specific behavior in relation to the event at hand. Avoid generalizations of conduct of the recipient. Be specific when criticizing because this helps to separate the person from the event. Parents know so much of their children and every opportunity they want to say it all. This attitude and prejudice should be avoided to make criticism effective.
ENVIRONMENT: If you want to use criticism to bring change to any individual, the choice of a suitable environment is of uttermost importance. If careful consideration is not taken, it can lead to other psycho-social issues in addition to what one is dealing with. Criticism done privately is most effective. None will like to be embarrassed or feel ashamed in front of other people. Parents and caregivers should consider the environment when engaging in criticism especially when dealing with teenagers and young adults.
Finally, I pray for all of us that by the grace of God and His wisdom, we may apply the above approaches and many more as it is revealed in His word. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.